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are now. Though you may think in retrospect that you could
have done things another way, when you were actually living
through those circumstances, you did only what you could do
at the time. You couldn t have done it any differently in reality.
To make this point clearer, let s go back to the camera anal-
ogy we used in Chapter 2. If we were to take a picture of you
sitting down and smiling, in the same instant that the camera s
shutter opened and closed, could you have been standing and
frowning? Of course not. Well, two seconds before we took the
picture, could you have been different than you were in that
moment? The only answer we can come up with is no. Using
this camera analogy, if you tease it back in time, you can see
how everything that has happened in your life could have hap-
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pened only the way it did and not the way you think it ought
to have happened. This opens the door for the possibility of
compassion compassion for yourself and for others.
In philosophy, there is the concept of determinism versus
free will. Determinism means that your life is predestined, and
you really don t have a choice in the way things are. Free will
implies that you have total choice in the way things are.
What we are saying is that you have no choice in the way
things were. You may think that the way things were should
have or could have been different, but the reality is that you
have no choice now. Things were the way they were. You may have
a choice in how things turn out in the future, but the past is
already written and you couldn t have done anything differ-
ently than the way you did.
The only thing useful about thinking you could have done
things differently is if you want to use the past to torment your-
self. We have found that tormenting yourself does not produce
great relationships, so we suggest that you don t do this.
REINTERPRETING THE PAST
Even if you accept our premise that what s done is done, the
past is still open to interpretation. Dwelling on the past is how
many torment themselves, thereby fettering their ability to
create magical relationships. We would like to offer a story to
illustrate another possibility:
There once was an old man who lived in a kingdom, and
while he was otherwise poor, he was the owner of a magnifi-
cent white stallion. One day the king of the land rode through
the old man s tiny village and spied the exquisite horse. Being
an honorable king, he offered the old man a fortune to pur-
chase the gallant steed.
The old man thought about the king s handsome proposal
and said, Thank you, Sire, for your generous offer, but I would
rather keep my horse.
After the king had departed, the villagers surrounded the
old man. Old Man, they said, what a stupid thing to do. You
The Ar t o f Li s t e ni ng
139
could have been wealthy beyond your wildest imagination if
you had accepted the king s offer!
To this the old man replied, Stupid, smart, I don t know.
All I know is I still have my horse.
A week or so later, the white horse broke out of his corral
and ran off during the night. The villagers were quick to com-
ment, Old Man, what a horrible turn of events. Now you have
no horse and no wealth either!
To this the old man replied, Horrible, wonderful, I don t
know. All I know is my stallion is gone.
A week passed and the stallion returned, leading a whole
herd of wild mares with him. The villagers assembled outside
the old man s corral to admire the mares. Old Man, they
exclaimed, what wonderful good fortune! Not only do you
have your valuable stallion back, but you have the great luck of
having a whole herd of mares too.
Cocking his head, the old man surveyed the stallion and
his new mares and replied, Wonderful, horrible, great luck,
bad luck, I don t know. All I know is I have my stallion back and
the mares are here, too.
A week later, while trying to break one of the new mares,
the old man s only son was bucked off and badly broke both of
his legs. The villagers were quick to share their opinions. Old
Man, they said, shaking their heads sadly, what an unfortu-
nate accident. How horrible. If only you had sold the horse,
then your son would not have broken his legs. Now who will
take care of you in your old age?
The old man replied, Unfortunate, fortunate, horrible or
not, I don t know. All I know is that my son s legs are broken.
A week or two later, the kingdom went to war against a foe
with a much stronger army. All of the able-bodied young men
were conscripted into the army, from which they would almost
certainly not return . . .
And so the story goes. You can reinterpret any event in
your life to fit your current outlook or agenda. The truth is what
happened has happened, and if you see it and let it be, then you
Ho w t o Cr e at e a Magi c al Re l at i o ns hi p
140
can get on with your life. What? you might say. Don t I need
to make myself remember and punish myself for wrongdoings so
that I will never do them again? No, you don t. If you see some-
thing you did or said in error and actually see it without judging
yourself, then you have already learned your lesson. Punishing
yourself and feeling bad does not help. If you have truly seen the
error of your ways, you never have to repeat it.
THE POWER OF SINCERELY
APOLOGIZING AND OF TRULY
ACCEPTING AN APOLOGY
It doesn t matter how well you communicate, how sensitive you
are, how in love and perfectly matched you are with your part-
ner, sooner or later you will do something that blows it. When
that happens, there is actually a magic wand that can dissolve
the hurt and restore your relationship. As mentioned in the
last chapter on sex and intimacy, a sincere apology can mend
a world of hurts. There are some tricks to having an apology
work and also ways of ensuring that when you do say you re
sorry, it will not inflame the situation more.
If you apologize, really mean it. There is nothing more
maddening than having someone say he or she is sorry just
to placate you when the person really still thinks his or her
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