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bored a last-minute escort, a drinking buddy. And cab fare.
Gloria said, I have ego boost on my list.
Peg said, I have drinking buddy.
What else, Gloria? asked Linus.
Gloria said, Arm candy, clout, bragging rights, an empty
vessel, masturbatory tool.
Jesus, Gloria, said Tracy. It hasn t been that bad.
Oh, yes, said Gloria. You have no idea how hard it is to
be me.
Peg might have been turned off by Gloria s self-pity. But,
then again, she didn t know what it must be like to have a fa-
The Girlfriend Curse 131
mous father, to be heiress to a fortune and trotted around so-
ciety like an exotic animal. Gloria the giraffe.
Linus called on Peg. She recited, Men want me to be their
sexual co-adventurer, drinking buddy, cook, maid, cheer-
leader.
He said, Very good. Now take that piece of paper, all of
you, crumple it into a ball and throw it away. That s right.
Over your shoulder.
Now you re going to tell us why our lists are fucked up,
and how to change, said Peg. We re symbolically throwing
away the mistakes of our past, and you re going to point the
way toward future happiness.
How should I know what will make you happy? he
asked.
You re not going to give us the answers? asked Tracy.
I can t do that, said Linus. That would be cheating.
Gloria asked, So what are we doing here?
Linus held up his finger, imploring the impatient heathens
to wait. My job is not to give you answers, he said. It s to
ask the right questions.
Tracy, Peg and Gloria heaved couch pillows at him.
Holding up his arms to ward off the throws, Linus said, I
guess I deserved that.
Since we re to draw on personal experience, why don t you
tell us about what you want in your relationship, said Peg.
I ll speak as a typical man, Linus said. Sweeping gender
generalizations can be useful sometimes. First and foremost,
men want reliability. Women get into a relationship hoping a
man will change, and he never does; men get into a relation-
ship hoping the woman won t change, but she always does.
Men want their partners to be consistent. That they won t
make impromptu impossible demands nor baffle him with
classically female sudden-onset hysterical behavior.
You just made yourself very unsympathetic, mister, said
Tracy frostily.
132 Valerie Frankel
I m not speaking for myself, he defended. I like sudden-
onset hysterical behavior. It can be educational, from an em-
pirical anecdotal research standpoint.
Peg said, So what do you recommend? That women
should be completely accepting, ask for nothing, expect noth-
ing from the men we give everything to?
Linus sat down on the coffee table, right in front of Peg. He
leaned in close, his knees touching hers. Your language, he
said. It s plaintive.
I ve been wronged, said Peg.
You think relationships are about give and take.
Doesn t everyone? she asked, appealing to Tracy and Glo-
ria, who dutifully nodded.
Linus said, The typical man suspects that his girlfriend
gives to get. He appreciates all the giving at first. Eventually,
he starts to wonder when all this giving will turn into de-
mands and ultimatums. Every time she volunteers to get him
a beer, he worries she ll expect something in return. A gift. A
dinner with her parents. A commitment to love and honor
each other until death. His anxiety builds, and the typical man
can take only so much before he cracks.
The women on the couch listened, horrified.
Linus continued. I m not suggesting that women con-
sciously scheme. A woman in love wants to demonstrate.
She s not necessarily giving to get. But the typical man will
think otherwise.
Gloria said, I ve never put pressure on men. I barely ask
for anything.
Linus said, Have you ever pursued a man?
Gloria looked surprised. Men are supposed to pursue the
woman.
Your answer is no, he said. Do you flirt?
I flirt, said Gloria.
What s your style? asked Linus.
The Girlfriend Curse 133
I m rude and snotty, said Gloria. The ruder I am, the
harder they come after me.
Linus nodded sagaciously. He said, Did you bring your
other list? What you hope to achieve from your interpersonal
exercises this week?
Gloria had her list folded into a small square, tucked into
the bib pocket of her pinafore dress. Tracy took hers out, too.
Peg hadn t completed hers at this time. She d have to impro-
vise when her turn came.
Linus said to Gloria, What s the first thing on the list?
She said, I want to feel excited. To have fun. Like those
girls at camp.
Has being rude to men made you feel excited?
No.
Was it fun? he asked.
Kind of.
What would be exciting and fun?
Something else? Gloria ventured hesitantly.
Tracy, Linus said, turning to the brunette. What s on
your list?
Gloria said quickly, You re not going to tell me what to do?
You expect me to figure it out for myself? And how am I sup-
posed to do that?
Linus said, Trial and error. Your date tonight is with Ray.
Use him, experiment on him. You can start by smiling and
talking to him instead of being rude and snotty.
Gloria seemed mollified by that.
Linus said, Tracy?
Tracy said, The first thing on the list? He nodded. She
read, I want to learn how to turn a first date into a second
date.
Peg said, Sleep with him and have breakfast the next
morning.
Tracy said, That may work for you, Ms. Perfect Runner s
134 Valerie Frankel
Body. But I can barely get a decent good night kiss. I can
wave them in with semaphore flags, and they don t get the
message.
Linus said, How does that feel?
It s humiliating! Every time.
So why do you do it?
If I didn t, I d never get laid.
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